It’s strange. I’m okay with myself. For the first time, I’m not wishing for another life. I guess I’ve had moments like this before; but this time it’s more noticeable. I’m not exactly where I want to be in my life, but that’s okay. I’ve accepted that no body is. Well, I guess there are some people who are  where they want to be. But I honestly believe, that most people have some sort of idea of what they would like to be doing when they were younger but most of us never hit the exact spot. We may hit a couple of feet to the right or left, but hardly ever do we hit that mark spot on. And it’s taken me over 10years to accept this. And now, I want to make up for lost time. All those years I wasted wishing for something more, something else; when I could have been enjoying what I had right in front of me. Those moments are gone! I live by a personal rule that I don’t regret anything in my life. I made the choices and I have to live with it. I don’t regret anything

Feeling the buzz of the wine, I load up my car with all of my kitchen equipment. Another “Friday night soup class” is over, I can’t believe it has been almost 6 weeks since we first started. Outside is absolutely still around the Shinn park and bungalow. The house is a little creepy. It was built in 1848, who knows what energy still lives in there. I sure as hell don’t want to find out. I lie to my students when I tell them that I’m not scared being there by myself as they leave. But I would rather them leave than have to wait and watch me take out everything they just put away and painfully rearrange it back into the order that I feel comfortable with. Control freak? No doubt. I guess it might just be easier if I had explained to them earlier on how I want everything arranged all the time, but I was afraid that would make me look crazy. After 2 hours of this high intense energy that I seemed to have mustered up out of nowhere, I really need some time to come down without anyone being there. Tonight doesn’t seem as scary, maybe because it’s not raining and I can actually see around me or maybe it’s this wine. I take my time wheeling my ice chest to the car and inhale the night. A familiar smell wafts up my nose and I get a vision: The beach. It’s the smell of burning leaves, one of my favorite odors. It’s always been connected to happy memories in my life. I sigh and realize that I haven’t written in awhile.

I don’t wear my crucifix anymore. I was raised Catholic and as time goes on, I find myself becoming less of a believer. It’s pretty liberating. I do admit that there are times when I do pray and sometimes I still feel that there is this ominous presence watching me, but I blame that on the fact I went to Catholic school. And I pray because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know any proper coping techniques when something goes wrong. Which is one of the reasons I wore my crucifix. I would wear it on those “special” occasions I thought would be particularly difficult. Like if I were driving a long distance by myself in the rain, I would wear it. Any situation I had no control over, whether I was flying or going on a blind date, I would wear it. It was like saying a prayer without having to say the prayer. And I put a lot of faith into it. But I don’t do that anymore. I’m starting to accept that nothing is for certain. I’m letting go and that’s a good thing. I don’t mock religion or having faith in a higher being. That’s a good thing to have. I’m just saying that I don’t put so much energy into any religion. I felt let down a lot when I did and that was my fault.I didn’t want to be responsible if things went wrong or not as I expected. It was a big deal.

I can drive down Paseo Padre in my sleep. I take it often. It’s not exactly the highway but it has less stoplights than Fremont Blvd. Plus, it’s much more scenic. As I drive, I think about tonight’s class and the advice I gave one of my students. She was so overwhelmed by all the information I was trying to cram down their throats in 2 hours. I told her to “be here now”. I advised her not to think about what we just did or what we are about to do, but to be present. All she had to worry about was not burning her onions. She seemed to grasp that idea and relaxed a little. It didn’t really sound like something I would say but I was impressed with myself anyways.

There are days when I hate living in this small town. Well it’s not really small, population wise it’s pretty big. It actually engulfs another city; it could very well take someone a good 45 min to drive to the other end of town, depending on the road you take. I guess technically, it’s not really small. But when you grow up in it, it can seem very small. All the places are the same. All the faces and characters on the street are the same. When you’re young, you don’t really notice it. But as you get you older, you appreciate it. It is what makes your town unique. You find the things that are special about it. You have to really, otherwise, living there would be unbearable. When you find those things the moment can be truly moving. I surprise even myself when the tears start to fall down my face. But for once, it’s not because I’m sad. The beauty and charm of my town has overwhelmed me to tears. I compose my self as I continue home. I realize that the places, the things, the beauty and charm of a town is not what makes it so unique: it is the people. I think about my friends and feel blessed. There have been so many times when I’ve wanted to tell them, “Thank you for sharing this moment with me. I don’t think there is anyone else I’d rather share it with” But people don’t talk like that to each other. It makes them feel uncomfortable. Only people who are truly in love with each other say things like that. And as much as I love my friends, I wish there was a way for me to show them that I do.

“And what will 2009 bring? Today being the first day of the new year, I actually do not have any expectations for the rest of the year. I’m in a more…let’s call it “controllable” place. I’d like to travel more this year; maybe a move somewhere is in order. Those are my big goals. My little goals are simple; read more, keep my room clean, etc,etc. I do have one goal that I can put into effect right away. I will try not to look past today, enjoy what I can but not live recklessly. Happy Birthday to me!”

Happy Birthday indeed…

The years are going by faster and faster, it seems. In any case, it’s over. 2009 is done. And not just a year, another decade is complete. I’m 30 years old now and it’s hard not to look back and reflect. There was a psychiatrist, Dr. Handle I believe his name was, who had a theory that a person decides to make drastic changes in their lives every 10 years. I remember taking that psychology class when I was 21 and the teacher telling us that theory as he guessed the ages of people around the room. I remember one girl in particular who was an accountant because her father was one and wanted her to carry on the family tradition of accountants. She finally decided that she couldn’t take any more numbers; she was 30 then. I thought she was old. Thinking back these past 10 years some things seems so long ago,and other memories feel like they happened only yesterday.

But this post is not about the past 10 years. I’m not in the mood to reminisce that far. Frankly, I’m not in the mood to reminisce at all.  I take that back; the word I’m looking for is not reminisce, it’s contemplate. I’m not in the mood to contemplate. I don’t have time. 2009 wasn’t that great. It didn’t start out really promising so I’m not surprised. My uncle died because of a doctor’s error and I’m left with scars from a rash I got due to an allergic reaction to a medication. Later on in the year, I got laid off, which was no surprise considering the circumstances following up to it. Then I turned 30, which I think I took a lot harder than I realize. Both situations were difficult; one just exacerbated the other. I can’t say 2009 was all bad. I liked working, but I can’t say that I liked my job all that much. It wasn’t too heart breaking when I was let go. It was a very stressful position. It also wasn’t the first time, I had been laid off. Because of that though, I was able to keep one of my 2009 goals and travel. I traveled a lot and am grateful for that opportunity. I also read more, so I guess I kept 2 of my 2009 goals.

With these outside changes happening, it was only certain that I too would change. And I did. I wouldn’t say it was a very positive change, although it does make me feel good…for the moment. I’ve always been a sensitive person, but I’m more so now. I’ve always been aware of my body, but I’m more so now. I’ve always been a selfish person, but I’m more so now. Humans amaze me. I cannot get over our bodies and  our minds; how we work to survive, how we laugh and grieve, how we rage and heal. It’s as if I’m experiencing being human for the first time. It’s not that bad.

So 2010, what will it bring? I don’t care. Any goals to be made? None whatsoever. Unlike a lot of my other posts, which are long and analytical, this particular post is not. Because it’s unnecessary. It’s all about balance. We can’t have it all, right? Understanding this makes me feel like I still have some sort of control. So right now, I am looking forward to completing that degree, working at the wine bistro and singing karaoke with my friends. It is what it is…

Richardson Grove, CA Sept 8-14, 2009

Day 2: I watched the sun come up from my tent. Well, I didn’t really watch it come up, but I watched the light in my tent steadily progress from dark to light. I wasn’t scared anymore but I was uncomfortable. I was cold and and sore from lying still for so long. Plus, some of the air had gone out of my mattress. I did not sleep well at all. But I expected that. Not having a clock nearby was killing me! I was trying to guess the time. 6am? Maybe 7? I knew it couldn’t be later than 8 in the morning for sure! I listened to see if Robbie and Adrian were awake. They were. I could hear them moving around and trying to talk quietly. I didn’t want to be the first one out of my tent, so I waited and consequently fell back asleep.

I opened my eyes to the sound of movement. Who knows how long I had been asleep? It didn’t matter. I kept telling myself that I was on vacation and time was non-existent. Outside, Robbie was already sitting by the small fire drinking coffee. “Good morning!” he said. “Morning.” I replied and made a detour for the bathroom. I had been holding it for quite some time, which added to my uncomfortableness. Relieved and back at the camp site, I asked about coffee. Robbie informed me that some was made. I poured myself some and joined him by the fire. It was at that moment I saw Adrian run past our site. He turned his head, smiled and yelled, “Morning!” as he flew by. “How long has he been running?” Read the rest of this entry »

Richardson Grove, CA Sept 8-14, 2009

Day 1 (conclusion): After such a long and involved day, I know I was looking forward to getting some rest. Surrounded in darkness or what Spongebob might call “advanced darkness”, I lay very still. The owls were out already. They don’t really “hoo!” like you are led to believe when you are a kid. The first time I heard a real owl, I thought there was a coyote or dog nearby howling. Every once in awhile you were aware of the freeway in the far distance because the big semi trucks would rattle as they hugged the corners on the mountain.I thought about the day. I thought about my anxieties as well. Was it worth it? Was it really all worth it? The palm of my burnt hand was still exceptionally warm. I closed my eyes and passed out.

That night I had a “lucid dream”.. Read the rest of this entry »