Today was really weird. Sorry for my lack of vocabulary but it’s the only way I can describe it. I’ve had manic episodes before but none like this. This goes back to about 5 months ago when I started my new job. I thought I was just feeling good from getting a new job and was just riding the “high” out but it turns out I was having manic episode and I still am. I saw my therapist today. It’s been about 5 months since I’ve seen him. He told me that my excessive exercising was common in mania. Especially when it’s accompanied by feelings of grandeur. I think I have to get in shape and look really good just in case I come across the paparazzi and they want to take my picture. And my constant obsessing about medical things. I keep looking up auto-immune disorders for some reason and it just threads on and on. Because I don’t know anything about medicine or the human body. So I have to keep looking things up that I don’t understand, which is a lot. But TODAY…Okay, I’m getting to it now. Today, I’ve lost time. I don’t know what happened to it. If I think back to when I woke up this morning, I can remember everything that I did. But I don’t remember doing them. Even going to my therapist was like a whirlwind. I don’t even remember driving home. When I got home, I looked at the clock and I thought to myself, “I’m home already? That was fast!” But now it’s almost 9pm and it feels a lot later than I thought it was. I kept looking at the clock around 7pm and thinking, “It’s only 7? Maybe I should go to sleep now.” I wasn’t sleepy, I just thought it was a lot later than it really was. So I lost time this morning and then now I have too much time. I have been at the computer most of the day and then I had this overwhelming urge to go upstairs into my room. When I got there, I started to cry. I didn’t cry long maybe 1-2 minutes at most. Then it was over. I couldn’t even cry if I wanted to now. And I do want to. I was so sad then all of a sudden I wasn’t. Now all I want to do is smoke and drink or go out or talk to somebody but there’s no one to talk to. And all I want to do is talk about my disorder and I don’t think anyone would be interested in that. I guess I will just go to bed.

Something is going to happen….I can feel it. Something bad…

I never walk around my neighborhood. Today I did, it’s strange; almost like a foreign land to me. Whenever I leave my house I just get into my car immediately start thinking about my destination. I never really take the time to look around. And I felt vulnerable being “out there” in the open. I’ve lived in this neighborhood for over 20 years and not much has changed except maybe the colors of the houses.

So today I learned about DERMATOMYOSITIS. It’s another autoimmune deficiency. The first part of the word is “Derma” so it attacks your skin but it weakens your muscles. You might just feel exhausted or tired and after relaxing a little bit, you start to feel better. It usually starts by getting tired while chewing your food, or experiencing double vision or “sleepy eyelids”. If you go to the doctor, they might not diagnose it right away. It could get worse perhaps even fatal. If I understand this right, when it’s full blown, your skin looks purplish-reddish around your eyelids and cheek area.

I got a lot of things done today despite it being rainy and gloomy outside…

I keep forgetting that I have this…I’m gonna switch it up.
So in between my last post and this post, I found out that I’m bipolar. That actually makes sense to me. When I was a teenager I was diagnosed as being depressed and I was given medication to take. It just didn’t seem right and I constantly fought it. And I’m only saying this because I’ve opted not to take medication for my bipolar disorder. It might get worse, but until then, I’m just going to try my best and keep this journal…
I was riding this great high for about 3 months. I just attributed it to getting an awesome new job, but all of a sudden I just came crashing down. It was around Thanksgiving. And I noticed something new. Most of the time my shift in mood comes gradually, only when I’m deep in it do I realize that I’m experiencing mania. So I’ve noticed when I am experiencing mania, I become obsessive about medicine or medical things or things of that nature. I read medical books and look up different diseases, auto-immune deficiencies, watch medical shows, I take notes and seriously consider becoming a doctor. I’m also unmotivated today and really lonely; and a little angry as well. When I was on that upswing, I was fine with being alone. In fact, I welcomed it, I thought it was awesome of myself to figure out that being alone is okay. But now, I’m not so sure. I also feel this great need to throw things away. Maybe because I’m reading too many medical books that I feel this need to be sanitary. I’ve thrown away so much food, for some reason. I feel a little guilty for it, but it needed to get thrown away. I just made a very good paella, I’m probably going to throw that away too. I don’t want to eat it. I just made it because those were the ingredients that I had. I have to go and wash my face now for the 5th time today..