February 29th, 2008 by murmur
How do you play the “hi” game you ask? The rules are simple: take 2 people who haven’t seen each other in years, who are probably more acquaintances than friends, stick them in the same situation, knowing the other is there, and see who says “hi” first. The results are awkward and no body wins. In fact, it makes you feel pretty crappy. If you decide not to say “hi” you’ll do either one of two things: 1. Keeping an eye on the other person from your peripheral vision just in case they say “hi” first; you don’t want to be caught off guard. Or 2. Keep your head down and awkwardly finish what you have to do to just get the hell out of there! If you DO decide to say “hi” first a couple of things might happen: 1. They won’t remember you. 2. You’ll be embarrassed and scarred for life.
The other day at the salon, I saw a girl working there who I recognized from high school. She was a year behind me, but I remember her because my best friend dated her brother for a long time. Now I’ve been to this salon several times and have seen her there. I recognized her right away. I wasn’t quite sure, if she recognized me. I didn’t want to take that chance; besides, it’s not like we were friends or anything. The couple of times that I left there, we never said one word to each other or acknowledged each other’s existence. So I felt secure in thinking this was how we decided to live in each other’s lives. But the last time I was there, she said “hi”… And I pretended I didn’t remember her. WHY DID I DO THAT??? Who do I think I am? She caught me off guard and that was the best I could come up with. A few awkward seconds later, my memory “all of a sudden” came back to me and I “remembered” her name. I felt so bad afterwards. She took the chance and I shot her down. She must have been so embarrassed! I know I was…. This game sucks!
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February 28th, 2008 by murmur
I don’t feel good. I don’t want to get into details because then I’ll feel like some 80 year old woman with nothing to talk about but her ailments. I didn’t make my goal this month to lose 5 more pounds, but I just haven’t been feeling good lately. I can’t complete my workout routine, because I get so winded and weak..Oops! I’m starting to sound like that old woman, aren’t’ I? I could go on and on… I’m just really tired and brain dead. Don’t try to tell me anything or trust me with any kind of instruction today; nothing is registering….
Posted in meds, murmurings, sleep | No Comments »
February 26th, 2008 by murmur
Today I went to Dixon. Where the hell is Dixon you ask? Exactly!
I had to drive 2 fucking hours to get to this small town and present to this high school that apparently doesn’t exist. According to Google Maps, Mapquest and my GPS system, there is no such place as Dixon High School. 5 am is foreign to me; which is the time I had to wake in order to get there on time. My first class was at 8.
I had to put some sort of address in my GPS system, I didn’t just want to be dropped off in the middle of Dixon. It didn’t recognize the address for the school, but it did recognize the address for the School District Office. “Dixon can’t be that big. I’ll go there and ask them where Dixon High School is.” I thought to myself because I’m a genius of course. Two hours later and welcome to Dixon! Population: approx 17,000. Not a big town. It looks like the kind of town where everyone knows everybody. Farmland as far as the eye can see. The air smelled “gamey” and I know a slaughter house when I see one. This is Smalltown, U.S.A.
It’s a “2-lane road” kinda town; north and south - that’s it. I basically drove through the whole fucking town to get the the school district office, which is located in “downtown” Dixon. There isn’t much there and it made me almost glad I grew up in Fremont. Although, their downtown is kinda cute; outside shopping with picturesque store fronts. I make it to the district office with time to spare, it’s around 730am at this point. I walk up to the office but there’s no one there. All the doors are locked and now I’m screwed! I remember the teacher telling me that the high school is off of highway 113. I drive out to the main road to see if I can find some people to tell me where 113 is. My GPS system is still on and yelling at me to turn around. It’s of no use to me anymore and just as I was about to turn it off, I notice that I AM on highway 113. Well…I’m not surprised that their main road is a highway as well. I see some signs for Dixon High School. I can’t believe I’m going to make it there super early! I didn’t. Sure Dixon is flat, empty and you can practically see Davis from there; but try and find a super huge high school and you are out of luck. I drive all the way down 113 till it ends. WTF!! I can’t believe I didn’t see a high school! By this time it’s 750am and now I have to turn around and drive all the way back.
I finally find the high school and it’s practically it’s own city. Yesterday at Fairfield, I had to park in the street because the area is so heavily populated that the school does not have visitor parking. But at Dixon High School, there was more parking than than there were cars. I knew class was about to start but where were the kids?? The school was that big. I find the classroom and the teacher. I tell her how sorry I am that I’m late and she tells me that class doesn’t start for another 20 minutes. She seems like a really nice woman. Maybe too nice. Nicer than me; that’s for sure. I wonder what her students are like?
After hauling in all my equipment and setting up, I realize how tired I am. At least she only has 3 periods and I’ll be out of here by noon. Noon! I just need to make it to noon! Her 1st period starts and I lay down my rules like I do every class. The presentation was going fine until I just could not stand it anymore. There was this kid who kept muttering and it was very distracting. Finally, I said something to him and asked him what he was muttering about. “I just wanna make money. I don’t wanna go to college or anything like that.”
“Good for you!” I snap back. ” I hope you do.” And I give him the thumbs up.
“I will and I don’t need to go to college or whatever.” The brilliant boy said.
“That sounds like a great plan. We’ll see how far you get in 10 years.” I said.
That was me holding back. If I could have, I would’ve grabbed him by his hair and thrown him against the wall. This is how it went for all 3 periods! Maybe because I was tired, but I just couldn’t recover after that. I fought with every-single-period! In hindsight, they really weren’t that bad. And most of the time, I’m able to ignore the students who don’t care or pay attention. But they broke me; Dixon High School=1: Vivien=0.
Teachers always tell me how good I am at my job. Of course I am! I’m a born performer! I love an audience! But I just think it’s common courtesy when people are in front of you talking that you show them respect by not talking either. You don’t have to like what they are saying or even pay attention; just don’t make it about yourself! You’re not the one up there speaking! Teachers suggest all the time that I consider teaching for a living. Fuck that! The best thing about my job is that I don’t have to see the same students every day. Who would’ve thought these small town, rural, farm kids could be the most disrespecting and ignorant. I’m actually looking forward to presenting to the inner city high schools. Drug dealers? Car jackings? Pimps and thugs? Bring it on!
Good luck getting out of Dixon! Where ever the fuck that is…..
Posted in high school, murmurings, rants, socioeconomics, stress | 2 Comments »
February 24th, 2008 by murmur
As I sped down I-5 trying to make it back to the Bay Area before noon, I started to think back to last night and how I got myself in this situation. Running on 3 hours of druken sleep and crappy McDonald’s coffee, my memory of last night begins to loosen and it all comes trickling back. What’s that smell? Oh yeah…Chunky…..
It was a little daunting; and a little weird; anxiety-ridden for sure. But I had to see. I just had to see for myself. I know Chris and Scott from high school and now they are roommates together living in L.A. Since I was in the area, and they were on my way home, maybe I should stop by and see them. I brought the alcohol. I wanted to impress, I think I did. Chris was home first. He introduced me to his English Bulldog, Chunky and we sat down and started to catch up. As I sat there and listened to him tell me what’s happened to him in the past 10 years or so; I couldn’t believe this was the same person I knew from high school. I wouldn’t say Chris and I were very good friends in high school. We had the same homeroom together. We hung around the same circle of friends, same goes for Scott; we were friends for sure, more than acquaintances but it’s not like we would go out of our way to hang out together. We talked about everything from relationships and death to how bad the Raiders season was and how horrible the Patriots season ended.
I think the mixture of anxiety, nervousness, alcohol and no food in the tummy definitely contributed to our very quick demise. I made my specialty “drunk eats” that everyone always seems to have around the house, (which is a good thing especially when you’re drunk and hungry), Ground beef and eggs and a salad on the side just to make us feel like we did something nice for our bodies. Looking back, I think it’s not a good idea for drunk people to cook; it was a miracle I didn’t seriously cut myself or start a fire. Scott came home in the middle of my preparing the food. He downed some alcohol and suggested that we all go to this particular bar. Since, I was the guest, I agreed to go. Chris never made it; he passed out on the couch.
Scott and I made a quick 2 minute walk to this bar and caught up. He works for the Entertainment industry down in L.A. He works on shows like “Two and a Half men” and “The Bill Mahr show” He even told me he got to work the Grammies not too long ago. It seemed as though Scott had found a nice niche in L.A. I guess this is a local bar that Chris and Scott frequent since it’s not too far from their home. We continued to drink and talk. It’s funny when you take away all the pressures and insecurity that high school seems to breed in a person; it’s like meeting a whole new person. The details are fuzzy and dark. I just got the feeling that Scott was not impressed with L.A. at all and wanted to come home. But unfortunately, his industry is there in L.A. It could be the years and years of brainwashing Bay Area children to immediately despise Southern California. Or it could be Scott is a lot deeper than I thought. I do remember telling him at the bar, ” I wish I would’ve known this about you in high school.” Actually, I think I always did know that both of them were a lot deeper than they seemed. But we were in high school and high school is for “labels” (sad but true); some people just live up to their “label”.
We came back to their place and found Chris still out on the couch. He came to when we got there. The details of that night keep coming and going. I remember Chris telling me about a girl he likes and then we called her. It’s a classic drunk move, of course, then Chris spent some time trying to do “damage control”. Things were done and said under the influence; it’s one of those things you can’t look back on and think too much about or regret. But you will have to accept the consequences, if any. I remember telling them about this blog and I don’t know if that was a good idea or not. I remember we spent the rest of the night listening to THE SMITHS and a lot of obscure 80’s music. But mostly; THE SMITHS. Which was a little strange to me…..
Chris told me that he was glad I came over. And I told him that I was too and that this was an indication my medication is working. We laughed at that, but I was being serious. I don’t think I normally would’ve made the effort or taken the time to go and see them had I not been taking some sort of mood stabilizer.
I am a firm believer that people don’t change….that much. And I think that was one of my main reasons for hanging out with them; to see if people change. I can’t make any kind of decision based on 2 people. Honestly, it’s obvious to me that I don’t think I knew them at all in high school. Things happen that are life changing; divorce, death, births, illness, financial issues, etc, etc. This all adds up to life experince which will definitely make you a different person. With every experience, you learn something new; you grow; you mature. And hopefully you gain a different, possibly better, perspective on how to live your life.
Posted in drinking, high school, meds, murmurings, relationships | 3 Comments »
February 22nd, 2008 by murmur
I’m down here in L.A. doing some presentations for work. It’s going to be one of the last times, I think in a long time till I come back down here for work. Here’s where I got set up:
Not bad. I was impressed. Check out the chaise; it’s suede! Ooohh! Ahhh! You bet I’ve been sitting on that thing evey night! And the bed is HUGE!!! I sleep on it horizontally and diagonally so I feel like I’m using up every inch of the bed. And 5 pillows? What does one do with 5 pillows?? It’s not the most impressive hotel, I’ve stayed at for work, but it’s better than that lodge in Truckee. The walls were so thin there, I could actually smell the cologne of the man staying in the room next to me. Scary…Hopefully next year, I’ll remember to keep a picture log of the hotels I stayed at and post them.
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Hotels are lonely though. It’s not fun unless you’re with friends or people you know. I went to the hotel lobby because my key card got demagnitized and while I was there, I struck up a conversation with a fellow business traveler. He was older gentleman. He asked me what I did and when I told him he told me that his son has a similar job up in Ohio. I didn’t really think much of the conversation. Only after I left and went back to my room did I wonder if he possibly was trying to strike up a conversation with me because he just needed someone to talk to. I wouldn’t have minded. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my alone time but when you’re in a town and you don’t know anyone, it’s nice to have someone to talk to instead of youself. Because believe me, it does get old talking to yourself. And I hate the air inside hotels; it’s so dry all the time. It get’s so fucking cold because theres a draft somewhere in the room. You turn up the heat and even on the lowest setting, your hands gets so chapped and dry you’re putting on lotion every few minutes.
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I’m still really anxious. I’ve been popping TUMS like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve hardly eaten but yet I feel really full. Because my stomach is feeling unsettled, I eat the TUMS and it helps but it makes me feel so full that it looks like it expands my stomach; and I’m not a fan of that look. Anways, it’s been raining on and off on my way to L.A. When I got to the summit, it started to fucking hail!!! That’s Murphy’s Law, right? Never fucking fails!!! If only I had left an hour earlier then I wouldn’t have had to pull off the side of the road and wait 1.5 hours for it to pass. The hail was coming down so bad, even on the highest setting, my windshield wipers weren’t doing much good. I couldn’t see in front of me. It literally was a blur. I mean a mountain is not the kind of place you want to be driving when it’s hailing; not with all the big rigs around. But luckily (and almost strangely coincendently) right when it started to get really bad and exit showed up. So I pulled off the side of the road and pulled into a gas station to wait it out. While I was there, I decided to call my director to tell her what was going on. She told me “Well, do whatever you think is best. Make the best decision for you.” And all I was thinking was, ” I did make a decision! THIS is my decision! I pulled off the fucking road and I’m just telling you that I did that!!” I think she thinks I’m 10 or something! So I told her, “Oh I know. I’m just telling you that it’s hailing and I pulled off the side off the road…just in case, something happens to me and you don’t hear from me then you can always say, ‘Last time I talked to her, she had pulled off the side of the road.’” Duh, lady! Don’t you ever watch CSI?? She asked me where I pulled off and I was telling her about the exit that “magically” showed up. She asked if there was a hotel or motel around, I looked behind me, and there one was….hmmmm
Posted in high school, hotels, murmurings, rants | No Comments »
