“Oh the passenger/He rides and he rides/He looks through his window/What does he see?” (Iggy Pop)

Nowadays, it’s not often that I do watch the Food Network. I mostly turn to it out of habit. The evening time is the worst as far as the Food Network goes. The only thing they show is competition shows or their own version of reality shows, which suck. The other night they were showing another competition show, but the difference in this competition show are the people who are competing. They’re not chefs. They’re not professionals; just regular home cooks with good recipes, according to the Food Network. I would’ve just changed it, but this woman competing looked familiar, so I stayed to watch. Her name is Camilla, and it took me a couple of minutes to realize where I’ve seen her before. Last time I saw Camilla, she was on the Food Network competing at another cooking competition. But that show took place at an actual cooking competition location and not the Food Network studios where I was watching Camilla cook presently. This is what I know about Camilla: she loves to cook, she’s not in the food industry, she works in an office somewhere; doing “office stuff”, I believe she’s from Texas or California, but she has a fairly small kitchen where she develops all her recipes. She won that competition; it was for a chicken recipe.

Now I’m watching Camilla compete once more for the best cookie recipe. (Again according to the Food Network.) The competition is split into 3 different segments: 1. The best chocolate chip cookie recipe 2. The best bar cookie recipe 3. The best OVERALL cookie recipe. You want to win #3, then you get $10,000 and lots of bragging rights about your recipe. Camilla won for the best bar cookie recipe and now she is up against the winner of the best chocolate chip recipe. Their score from their respective competitions determines the winner for best OVERALL cookie recipe. The chocolate chip winner got a 99. Camilla looked scared; she knew her chances were slim. The only way Camilla could be called grand prize winner now and get $10,000 is if she got 100 on her bar cookie recipe. Camilla won. Camilla looked shocked. The chocolate chip winner looked shocked. I was shocked! I couldn’t believe she had won by one point! Her recipe wasn’t particularly inventive or creative. It was just a bar cookie; chocolate in the middle, crushed cashews on top. Sure it was probably good, but the best? And $10,000 worthy?

It made me think about Camilla’s life. Is she charmed? Was she just born a winner? Are there such things as born winners and born losers?

Disturbed, I changed the channel and I came upon a reality show called “The first 48 hours”. It’s a reality crime show where cameras follow detectives who try and solve a murder within the first 48 hours, hence the name. This particular episode had a detective questioning a woman who was a witness at the scene of the crime. They pressed her hard for details, they were even suspicious that she may have been involved somehow resulting in the victim’s death. The woman told her story and maintained her innocence. In the end, the detectives were convinced that she was just a witness and had nothing to do with the crime. They let her go. On her way out another detective and her struck up a conversation. It turns out, they were born on the same day. She said, “Do you want to switch lives?” They laughed uncomfortably at the comment. She continued, “I went to 4 different colleges too. I just couldn’t get to where you are.” She shook her head, regretfully. Why couldn’t she? Again, I had to think about this woman’s life. She could’ve very well had Camilla’s life, and Camilla could’ve had hers. Or are our paths already laid out for us; and in fact there is no such thing as “free will” as we are lead to believe. Is it, “set in stone”?

I read an article the other day, about how our socioeconomic and cultural environment have an impact on our health and longevity. It’s not our genes or diet and exercise that determine our good health anymore. It does to a certain point but unfortunately, according to this article, it also depends on the size of our bank account, the color of our skin, and where we live. The woman in the crime TV show just happens to be black and lives in a low income neighborhood. Camilla just happens to be white. Was it the fact that Camilla makes enough money and lives in a fairly secure neighborhood that she is able to achieve greatness with her cooking? The idea seems far fetched, but not unlikely. Maybe its education? The woman on the crime TV show said she went to 4 different colleges. For whatever reason she never finished or just “never got there”, she realized the importance of an education and the possiblity that an education could get her out of her situation and tried 4 times. There are those inspirational stories of people who are able to pull themselves out of a seemingly bleak future and are able to prosper. Inspirational, though they may be, these stories are actually very rare.

So are we doomed? Have our destinies already been determined? Was Forrest Gump’s mama wrong and not everyone gets the same opportunity? Or are the opportunities just dancing in our faces; waiting for us, and we’re too blinded by our own personal battles that we just don’t notice.
The moral of the story is: Money does buy you happiness and great cookie recipes too…

“I can’t understand what makes a man/Hate another man/Help me understand.” (Depeche Mode)

This time I came prepared… I remember getting my car serviced for my 5K inspection. I decided to stay and wait since I had nothing better to do. There isn’t much going on in a car dealership waiting room; a TV blasting the morning news, the smell of coffee brewing, crappy magazines on the coffee table and a few chairs. Figuring it was a weekday morning and I wouldn’t be waiting long, I took a seat in the “lounge” and relaxed. The waiting area quickly filled up with people (apparently we all thought the same thing) and my relaxing morning was shattered by this loudmouthed woman who insisted on talking to anyone who would listen and share intimate details about her life. I just wanted to tell her to “Shut the fuck up!”

Remembering that harrowed event, I went in for my 10K inspection this morning and like I said; I came prepared. I brought my book. I brought my ipod, and settled in to get lost in a world of non-fiction(yes, I mean non- fiction) and music. The waiting area started to fill again: a student quickly pulled out books and a highlighter, a young woman sat and sipped her latte quietly, a father and son brought their breakfast and ate in the corner. Then this woman comes barreling in, walks directly to the coffee machine and catches the eye of the young woman. Thinking about it after, I felt sorry for her after, she didn’t even see it coming. She starts talking to her about how she was supposed to go in for jury duty but had her doctor write her a note. Are you fucking kidding me? Is this the same woman that was here last time? What are the fucking odds? She pulls up the chair next to me. Great! Just my fucking luck! I turn up my ipod but since she is sitting next to me, she’s difficult to ignore. Even though I can’t hear what she’s talking about, her deep voice penetrates the sound of my music and her animated hand motions keep me from concentrating on my book. I keep looking up every time she throws her hands forward into my peripheral vision. I tell myself not to look up and try not to make eye contact with her. I continue to read my book, but nothing is making any sense; I’m just reading the words at this point.
Pretending to read, I’m intrigued by this woman and people like her. What’s wrong with her? Why does she think that’s socially acceptable to just spew out personal and intimate details about your life to perfect strangers? Did no one tell her about “boundaries”? It took me just until recently to start sharing personal details to my friends and I’ve known them for years! Well… maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m the socially “retarded” one and it is perfectly acceptable. As humans we have “comfort zones” and “personal spaces”, and when strangers intrude on these things a little too aggressively we tend to recoil and become defensive. This woman got into my “comfort zone” and I set up the barriers quickly: I turned up my music, I started snapping my gum loudly, and I started to bounce my leg up and down in agitation. She didn’t notice and continued on with her inane rambling. It started to become like hostage situation. This person was literally holding us “hostage” with her personal drama. And because the details were so personal, would it be considered rude to ignore her or walk away? I consider telling her to “keep it to herself”. Why? Who am I to think telling this woman to shut up was acceptable as well? Was it my responsibility to “save” these people from her and people like her? I start to rationalize the details. No, It wasn’t my duty. But I couldn’t just let her think that it’s okay to behave like this and get away with it. I played out the situation in my head; it doesn’t end well.

Before I could even think about saying anything, a courtesy driver the dealership provides arrives and she leaves . I worked myself up for nothing. This woman probably went home and continued her scattered talk to whomever she goes home to, most likely about waiting for her car to get serviced. Or maybe she doesn’t have anyone to go home and talk to, and that could be the reason behind her talking to strangers; she’s lonely. I do know she went home and thought nothing about me. But I went home and continued to think about her. I live in fear of people like her. People who are comfortable in their own skin make me self-conscious about myself. I think people are constantly watching every move I make. I wouldn’t say this woman and people like her just don’t care what people think about her. I think there’s a difference between that and being “socially retarded” or not knowing the meaning of consequences. I think this woman does care what people think about her. Maybe people like her find the best defense is an offense. They quickly draw attention to themselves in intimate situations so they won’t feel self-conscious about their own actions. Unfortunately or fortunately (however you feel), there are no rule books on to how to act appropriately in social situations. Many have tried to write them down and enforce them to the public as law. But as we continue to accept more social anxieties and struggle through them, the rules keep evolving and hopefully so do we.

“My mind is set on overdrive/ The clock is laughing in my face/A crooked spine/My sense’s dulled/Passed the point of delirium.” (Green Day)

My brain is all messed up. I don’t know how else to word it. I’ve been sitting here crying, frustrated, because I haven’t been able to sleep for the past 3 days. But it just hasn’t been 3 days; it’s been at least 17 years now since I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep. And I am SO…FUCKING…TIRED!! I wish there was someone I knew who could relate. I can’t believe all the insensitive shit I hear coming out of people’s mouths. “You need to get yourself into a sleeping pattern.” Don’t you think I’m fucking trying?! I would if I fucking could! “You just need to relax and not think about it.” Really?! Not think about it, you say? Now why didn’t I fucking think of that! Oh wait! I did think about not thinking about it and it kept me up all fucking night!! “Oh I have trouble sleeping too, I think everyone does..” Really? Does everyone not sleep for 24 hours, come home after working a full 8 hours, and still not be able to sleep for another 24 hours, work another full 8 hours, come home and STILL not sleep until you’re so fucking desperate for sleep you’re thinking about knocking an ice pick to the side of your head just for some fucking relief?! Just shut the fuck up! If this happens to everyone, then PLEASE someone tell me what to do! Because I’ve tried every fucking trick in the book: herbal tea, Valerian root, white noise, lavender, over the counter sleep medicine, prescription medicine, reading, meditating, melatonin….If you’ve got something new, I’ve probably tried it.
I’m so tired. It’s not like I’m not physically tired, I am. But the minute I lay down, I’m wide awake. Why can’t I sleep? I want to sleep. I wish I could sleep like everyone else. I’m not one to pray much, but I actually prayed tonight. And I asked God for sleep. Please let me sleep tonight! I know what the song “Brain Stew” is really about. I’m not on drugs, but I might as well be. Then, I would feel like I had an excuse for not sleeping and feeling brain dead.
My lack of sleep is causing me all sorts of problems: irritation, aggravation, frustration…what else ends in an ‘tion‘? Just add it in. Any fucking noise I hear, especially loud quick ones, just adds to my aggravation. People should not be near me! I seriously want to bang my head against the fucking wall or break some dishes, maybe all that activity will exhaust me enough to help me sleep..but I doubt it. I know what’s going on. It’s my brain and it’s neurons firing off at inappropriate times and my dopamine levels are unstable. And I guess this is all translated to me constantly thinking. This is what keeps me up most night; my thoughts. And I wish for just one goddamn minute I could just not think of any thing. NOTHING!
I’m reminded of that movie ‘They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?’ You can clearly see how lack of sleep made them go crazy. Of course, it was just a movie but it was a movie depicting a real life period of time that was tough and made absolutely no sense. But I can relate. Desperate people do desperate things just for a little peace of mind…

“Here I go and I don’t know why/I fell so ceaselessly/ Could it be he’s taking over me…” (Patti Smith)

In my never ending quest for self realization or self actualization or whatever the hell you want to call it, I took a Shamanic Journey last night, hosted by Robbie and Raz.
The idea is simple and basically involves deep meditation with a little help from a pulsing drum beat. Through this meditation you’re supposed to find a portal in which you can fall through or enter the earth. Once you’ve fallen, your first purpose is to find your animal spirit which will guide you through this “other realm”.

First we were supposed to picture and visualize an area that was familiar to us; somewhere we’ve been before that was calming. It could be somewhere in nature, most people go that route. Or it could be someplace we felt safe and happy, like a bedroom. This being our “entrance”, it was very important that we had a good visualization of the area; we should be able to see textures and depth and pick out different colors. This was very difficult for me because I could not think of an area or a place I’ve been to that ever made me feel that way. It made me realize that I don’t get out too often. Anyways, I tried to picture the beach near my grandmother’s house in the Philippines, but this other image took over. It was an image of a little cabin in the woods surrounded by big trees and a lake. I’ve never been to such a place, but I could see it clear as day in my head. I figure a place like this exists somewhere in the world, although I’ve never been. I tried to push the image out of my head, but it was too strong. It kept coming back and taking over any other picture I tried to imagine; so I didn’t fight it.

We laid down, closed our eyes, took a few deep breaths and the drums started to play. At first I saw nothing; just darkness from the back of my eyelids. It’s hard to explain but even as I saw darkness, I could picture this cabin in woods. But it wasn’t like a dream. In our dreams it’s as if we are watching a movie, the images are very vivid and clear. This was a little more sporadic and not clear; vague and hazy are the adjectives I’ll use, although it hardly describes how it really looked. I could see myself walking around the grounds of the cabin looking for a portal or hole in which to fall through. My conscious mind and anxiety kept interrupting my meditative state, I was concentrating too much on the drums. I did notice later on, when the drumming became louder, the vision was clearer.

I think I walked those grounds about 3 times. I thought it was going to be outside somewhere, I went to the side of the house but it wasn’t there. I walked along the lake and looked for cracks, nothing. Then I opened the door of the cabin and there was this gaping hole, right in the middle of the floor. I tried to fall through it and just let myself go, but something kept stopping me and said, “No. Not yet.” When I would try again, it was as if I had just opened the cabin door and discovered the hole for the first time. I did finally fall through and I was surrounded by darkness. Since this was my first time “exploring”, I was only told to seek my animal spirit guide. At first I thought it was a cat then it turned into a snake. The snake and I stared into each others eyes. “Are you my animal guide?” I asked it. It said nothing and continued to stare and stick its forked tongue at me. I stared back and asked another question “Are you the one I’m supposed to follow?”. It said nothing again and just continued to stare. I was a little confused at this point and looked around, I saw nothing else. Since it wasn’t answering me, I tried to get past it but it wouldn’t let me go forward. Behind it, I could see a dark path. I thought that maybe, that was where I was supposed to be headed, but it wouldn’t let me. As I continued to stare into its eyes, it was as if I could finally hear and understand it. It communicated through its eyes and not its mouth. So I asked it again, “Are you my animal spirit?” “Yes.” It said. I didn’t believe it right away because it didn’t answer me the first time. I was suspicious of it. Or maybe it was my conscious mind interfering again. I couldn’t understand what was going on, and I just couldn’t believe or wrap my mind around the situation. Snakes don’t talk! We stood in silence for second or two, I still wasn’t sure if I believed it or not. So I asked, “Are you the one I’m supposed to follow?” It didn’t answer me this time, but it looked to the right of me. When I looked to where it was looking I saw a huge field and a very blue sky that seem to materialize out of nowhere. It told me, “You’re supposed to be over there.” “Come with me.” I said to it. But every time we would walk, we didn’t get very far. I noticed I had a pendant around my neck. I told the snake I couldn’t accept it and I wasn’t supposed to bring anything back with me. It told me it was mine. I didn’t want to look at it because I was trying to stick to the rule of not bringing anything back with me; but I think it was in the shape of a star, or so it seemed. We tried again to walk to through the field because the snake seemed very adamant that I was supposed to be on the other side. When I walked, I noticed it was behind me. Maybe because I wasn’t entirely trusting of it, I didn’t want it behind me, I told it to walk with me. It told me, “Go on. I’m right behind you.” Unsatisfied with this answer, unsure of where I was supposed to be walking, I decided to stay put. We sat on a rock and waited. I could hear the drum beat change; calling us back. Knowing our time was short and a little frustrated with it, I asked it again, “Are you my spirit guide?” It told me it was and that it was always going to be there for me. This made me feel a little better but confused as to what it meant by that. The whole time I was there with the snake, it didn’t say much unless I spoke to it first; either by asking a question or telling it to walk with me. But right before I came back, it said to me, “Don’t come back down this way.” I was surprised and a little shocked at it’s warning. But before I got a chance to ask it why, I was back. And it was over.

It’s hard to say now exactly what I experienced. I know I experienced something. Was it a Shamanic Journey? Did I meet my animal spirit? Or could it have been my creative mind fabricating this vision? Or perhaps I just wanted it. I’ve never been able to meditate. I think I’m too controlling and too aware of my surroundings for meditation to work. My anxiety takes over and my mind can’t relax long enough for me to completely let go.

When I came back, it seemed as if I was the only one who “experienced something”. Everyone else had visions but didn’t get very far. I told Robbie what the snake told me before I left. He told me right away that since I’ve never been to that cabin in the woods, its possible I just came in the wrong entrance. This made sense to me. And that could be the reason the snake kept telling me that I needed to be somewhere else. He told me next time I should ask the snake where I should I enter from. We decided to try it one more time…

The second time, it felt as if I fell farther down. My body felt weightless. As I was falling, my anxiety was telling me to stop this and wake up. I fought it because I wanted the experience. When I reached the bottom, it was completely black. I saw Raz, but I don’t think he saw me. I saw the snake; I got the feeling he was surrounded by other people or other animals. I didn’t take too much notice because I was only concerned with my question. He saw me and it was as if I was interrupting him and he quickly told me, “Wrong. Try again.” I asked, “But where?” “Not here.”, was his only answer. Till next time…