Paranoid Android
May 20th, 2008 by murmur
” Please could you stop the noise/ I’m trying to get some rest/ From all the unborn chicken voices in my head/ What ’s that…? (I may be paranoid, but no android)/ What’s that…? (I may be paranoid, but no android)/ (Radiohead)
I will never get used to this. I think I will always be self-conscious and aware that I take medication, because…I have to take medication. So I’m constantly questioning myself: Is this me? Or is this me? Would I really do this? Or am I just acting like I think someone on medication should act? I don’t know what I’m taking. It could be a placebo for all I know. Am I really this patient and nice? Would I really think this is funny? It doesn’t feel like I’m making much of an effort but I’m so aware of my actions all the time. I see it in my family’s faces; they’re scared, they’re scared this is all going to end and it’s back to the tip-toeing again. Do I really like to smile this much? I guess I like to flirt. I guess I don’t really have a temper. I guess I don’t hold grudges. I drive in the slow lane now because I’m nervous about my driving. I’m getting my work done because I have the attention span to sit and complete it now.
I saw a commercial the other day about quitting smoking. In this commercial, it showed a man putting on his clothes backwards, burning his breakfast, and just doing everything wrong. The point the commercial was making was about how when people quit smoking they have to find a new routine or it can make people feel like they’re being thrown off their old routine because they do not smoke anymore. I feel the same way. I’m clumsy, I forget things, it feel as if my cognitive thinking has slowed, but I think it’s because somewhere in the back of my mind I’m constantly thinking about having to take my medication.
It’s like seeing the world through a totally different set of eyes now. It’s freaking me out a little, I have to say. Walking around the mall, I spotted 2 people about to have a collision with their shopping carts. They both smiled at their possible mishap and one of them graciously gave way to the other. Before all this, I wouldn’t have smiled. I would have given the other person “the stink eye”, maybe bumped their cart a little with mine and quickly walked away annoyed and pissed. And I would’ve have stayed annoyed and pissed the rest of the day. But when I saw that, I thought to myself, ” Hmm..I guess generally people are polite and patient to one another.
I came to a horrible conclusion that sent my world crashing down. It all started at my psychiatrist office. Here’s how the conversation went:
Him: So how are you?
Me: I’m fine. Every thing is fine.
Him: Good. So the medication is working?
Me: Yes, except…
Him: What?
Me: I’m bored now. I don’t know what to do.
Him: Well, maybe you might think about taking a class.
Me: Why?
Him: To fill up your time.
Me: For what?
Him: So how are you?
Me: I’m fine. Every thing is fine.
Him: Good. So the medication is working?
Me: Yes, except…
Him: What?
Me: I’m bored now. I don’t know what to do.
Him: Well, maybe you might think about taking a class.
Me: Why?
Him: To fill up your time.
Me: For what?
He answered it but it didn’t matter. I knew what he was really saying, and I was in shock. Are we just filling up our time endlessly till we die? These mundane and useless things we do; day in and day out. Every fucking day we just fill up our time! At least when I was more manic, I honestly believed that I could change the world and achieve anything that I set my mind to! Now I’m not. I’m just like everyone else. So I have to fill up my time with “everyone else” things. And even when I was in a very deep depression, I cried and released it. I never knew how long my depression would last, but I knew eventually it would go away. This is not going to go away. Because this is my life now and I have to live it till it ends.
I don’t know why I didn’t notice this before.
I don’t know why I didn’t notice this before.
Posted in murmurings, rants, stress, therapy | 3 Comments »
