“Tell me why?/ I don’t like Mondays/ Tell me why?/ I don’t like Mondays/ I want to shoot the whole day down.” (Boomtown Rats)

I’m never in the moment. I don’t enjoy myself. It’s only after the situation, when I replay the events back in my head that I realize how much fun I did have. But it’s not fair. I feel robbed of it every time. The only time I ever feel like I’m in the moment and really “experiencing” a feeling is when I’m depressed. And right now, I’m depressed. It’s crazy how quickly it happened. Just about 10 minutes ago, the TV was on and I was planning out my day. All of a sudden a huge wave of sadness just engulfed me. I don’t know why. I tried my best to ignore it or shake it off. I continued to flip through the TV channels; too late…it’s taken over. Most people have reasons to be sad or “triggers” if you want to call them that. I remember when I used to work at a coffee shop and I had a customer who was upset with their order. I was upset because they took out their frustration on me. But my manager told me (bless her heart!), “Vivien, it’s just coffee. If getting the wrong the coffee drink is the worst thing that happens in their day, then I would think, they had a pretty good fucking day. Don’t let it ruin your  day.” And I didn’t. I had to have someone put it into perspective for me. But it’s not just getting the wrong coffee drink this time. It’s nothing; but I wish it were something so I could put that into perspective. Now I’m paralyzed. I’ve rationalized every reason NOT to do the things that I want to do today; and so I won’t. It’s a never ending, frustrating cycle. If I don’t accomplish anything today, I’ll feel guilty and more depressed. But I don’t have enough energy to actually motivate myself enough to do anything. I hate living like this. Always waiting for the right moment or the right mood, the right feeling; what kind of life is that? How can I deal with this if I don’t know what’s wrong? Until I acknowledge that which is making me depressed or until this feeling passes; I’m stuck in depression limbo. And in my experience, it could be quite some time till I leave;  I might as well get myself some coffee.

I think most people would kill for the amount of self-esteem I have. But it’s unfounded. Where did it come from? Most likely it came from my childhood. Everyone knows after the 1980’s there was a society-wide effort to increase children’s self-esteem. Our Baby Boomer parents and those in charge of education felt it was important that everyone feel good about themselves (for some reason); so they shoved high self-esteem down our throats. I think all my friends remember seeing that “YOU ARE SPECIAL” poster everyday in their classrooms. Many school districts across the country had specific (or still have) programs designated to increase self-esteem. So while our Baby Boomer parents gained self-esteem naturallyfrom a stable, child-friendly society; they were building an army of narcissists, silently and subliminally. According to Dr. Jean M. Twege author of “Generation Me”:

“All evidence suggests that narcissism is much more common in recent generations. In the early 1950s, only 12% of teens aged 14 to 16 agreed with the statement ‘I am an important person.’ By the late 1980s, an incredible 80% claimed they were important.”

Often confused with self-esteem, narcissism is the dark side of the focus on self. I would be inclined to think that I was a narcissist but I have empathy for others. I am constantly trying to put myself in the “other person’s shoes”. I am not completely heartless. I think I owe that to the fact that I went to Catholic school for 8 years. I was being taught self-importance and to love myself at the same time I was being taught to only love God and fear Him. So I was constantly conflicted. I don’t claim to be very religious these days, I sure as hell don’t claim to be Catholic anymore but there are some things that can’t be undone. After 8 years of God-God-God being shoved down my throat and in my brain at an age where I was the most susceptible, it’s not something I can easily let go. I still think there is this ominous presence following me, watching my every move; ready to strike me down when I do something wrong, which is everything according to “The Book”. I would feel really guilty if I were to just wash my hands of “The Almighty”. (I feel guilty for putting it in quotes…but I’m gonna leave it)

But where’s the line? Where do these outer influences stop and where does it begin being me or myself? Nature vs. Nurture. The age-old conflict. But that doesn’t apply here. I’m talking about myself; or oneself. When is it my turn? It’s Nature-Nurture vs. Me. It’s scary to think how easily we could have turned out differently had it been for just one word or one action. In Metallica’s movie, “Some kind of Monster”,James Hetfield went to rehab. Their guitarist, Kirk Hammit, talked about his concern for James when he got out of rehab. He said, (and I’ll just summarize it, this is not quoted directly) “I’ve known people who have gone to rehab and they dig deep. I mean really deep…” He then went on to say that in rehab they “pull off all your layers” and that they “spread them out” and pick at the little pieces and “examine every thing.” Where did these layers come from? Does every layer determine our actions, morals, beliefs, addictions, etc, etc? I wonder how many layers I have. And can they really be unmade? Am I still making layers?
I hate the media. The media has the general population believing that mental illness comes from a situation, that it was brought upon the individual from a bad experience. Or that something went SNAP! in the brain. I don’t think that’s how that works. At least, that not what I understand from my psychiatrist (and he went to college!). Our brains are made up of millions of neurons firing off at different times. He compared them to telephone wires. All the wiring is there but it’s not getting to the right phone number, so to speak. Dopamine levels, chemicals, blah, blah…you get the idea.

I think the intentions of our parents and educators were well meant, but some how it backfired. A bitter, angry, never satisfied generation arose; simplicity, work-ethics, and family values are the things we mocked. I found it a little bit ironic that while I was looking for a “motivational” picture to place in this posting, I found a lot of “de-motivational” pictures of posters. I looked through a few of them and even laughed at a couple; then it occured to me that the people who design these oh-so clever posters are people my age, my generation. It’s cool now to be bitter. It’s cool now to be angry. My travels to high schools prove it. There is no respect because the students feel they deserve more. I don’t mean to lay blame on anyone or anything; although I guess it would seem as if I were. There are always outside factors as well: the economy, right? If the economy didn’t suck so bad maybe more people would be happier or seem happier. Sure. There are always going to be unhappy, unsatisfied people in life; regardless of the generation. I’m simply making an observation. And it’s always easy to point the finger somewhere else; parents, media, economy, dopamine levels, etc, etc. So my question earlier was: where’s the line? When is it begin being me? When is it my responsibility? Well…how about now.

I love food. I love food so much I decided I wanted a career in it so I could be around it all day. Give me an Arugula salad, or Steak au poivre, a nice Vichyssoise, or even Grav Lox on a bagel with cream cheese is good anytime; and drizzle it all with truffle oil! Mmmmm……
My love of food developed early on in life for me, so it was no surprise to anyone when I went to culinary school. At culinary school I poured over cook books and read them like novels. Of course my other classmates were just as in love with food as I was. We talked about it constantly and experimented in all different types of foods. We could easily go to a restaurant and drop $300; of course that’s including 3 bottles of wine after 5 hours of just sitting and eating and talking and enjoying each other’s company. Which is another good reason for my love of food; it’s familiarity and ability to bring people together. It wasn’t long until my love became an obsession. It didn’t help matters that I worked in fine dining restaurants. From the moment I woke till the time I went to bed, it was always food! And I didn’t mind. I loved it! I kept writing and re-writing the menu for the many various restaurants I would have someday. Then something happened…

I got myself into a situation that I was uncomfortable with: I got fat. I’ve never been a skinny person, but I was always at a weight I could live with. I guess, it all caught up to me. So I decided that a lifestyle change was in order and I did it. I changed my eating habits, exercised regularly and I’m at a more comfortable weight. But in doing so, it seems as if my love affair with food seems to have diminished and my obsession seems to have shifted to re-shaping my body with exercise. I find it fascinating, but I digress. I look at food in a different way now; a good way, a more healthy way…I hope. I don’t think about food 24 hours a day anymore; everything in moderation, right?

A recent article in Ladies Homejournal caught my eye. Six women talked about their weight loss and eating habits. These women lost significant weight in the matter of about 2 years each; their weight loss was equal to a human being each! How did they do it? That was my first question and the reason I picked up the magazine. Then the next question was, How did they lose it so quickly? I poured over the article and read each woman’s sob story about how they love food so much and that they just couldn’t get enough of it, I felt as though I could relate till I read about the foods they claimed to love. I was actually disgusted! Battered deep fried anything with sauce, dressing and cheese galore! Each woman was only able to lose the weight when they joined such groups like Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem or Weight Watchers. They said the programs taught them proper portion sizes and what foods to eat. What foods to eat?! You mean to tell me you don’t know what foods to eat? Someone actually has to bring you food to your front door and tell you this is what you are eating for the whole month?! Don’t lie to me Ladies Homejournal! You don’t love food.

Obesity is a problem in our country. But I think EVERYONE knows what foods they should be eating. It’s hard for me to believe that a person doesn’t know eating fast food everyday is bad for them. Yes it’s good. Yes I miss eating it. What I wouldn’t give for a hamburger right now. But like I said, everything in moderation. Maybe obesity is more than just a a physical problem, maybe it could be categorized as a mental illness as well. If you can’t see what you are doing to your own body then maybe there are bigger issues at work here. Or maybe I’m a food snob. I’ll admit it. I’m a food snob. So what? I should be. Everyone should be. Everyone should demand the best out of what they are putting into their bodies. I like my food simple; the less it’s been handled the better. But I’m not too much of a snob that I can’t enjoy a plate of beer battered onion rings with blue cheese dressing on the side. Mmmm…..

 This is why my hairstylist rocks!! And she did this without all the chit-chatty nonesense that most hairdressers do with their clients. I love my hairstylist! Too bad it won’t look like this in the morning….