Today I woke up early and went shopping…just to make the shopping experience not so ordinary, I decided to see how long I can keep smiling. I arrived at my first stop, parked my car and with my tattoos blaring put on a huge smile and walked in. Now, I point out that I have tattoos because let’s face it people judge and probably for good reason. Historically, people with tattoos have not always been known to lead good clean lives nor are they known for being all that nice and approachble. I continued to browse through the store with that smile on my face, and I realized that just the mere act of smiling put me in a pretty good mood. Although, I did keep getting approached by sales associates asking me if “I’m finding everything okay.” They were most likely wondering, “What the hell is she smiling about?” I went to pay for my things and again the cashier asked if “I found everything okay.” I replied with an enthusiastic, “Yes, I did!You’re sale here is awesome! Thank you for asking!” and continued to smile. He smiled back. When he told me the total, I started to pull out my cash when I realized that I was about $1short and I couldn’t scrounge enough change fast enough. “Oops! Sorry, I guess I’ll have to use my card.” I said and tried to pull out my card quickly. “That’s ok.” he said and rang it up. “Wow! Thanks!” I said and quickly picked up my stuff and left. Now I know, it wasn’t much change that I actually did owe him, but the gesture was nice. At the next store, I walked in and immediately ran into two old women. I nodded to them and said a polite “good morning.” They returned it and went along their merry way. I continued my experiment and wore that smile all through the store. Now, either, it was just way too early in the morning and there wasn’t enough to do for the sales associate or it was just a coincidence that everywhere I was, there she was. I was getting the feeling I was being followed by her and not for a good reason. I looked her in the eye with the smile on my face. She didn’t smile back. Hmm. I couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind. I don’t really carry a purse, so it’s not like I would be able to steal anything effectively. Maybe the smile on my face was creeping her out but like a moth to a bright light, she just was just drawn to it. I looked her up and down. She’s young. I would put her between 17-19 years old. Just by their general nature, teenagers are suspicious of adults. I thought to put her mind to ease by asking her where the jeans are. It took her a few seconds; that’s when I realized not only is she young, but she’s new too. She has no idea what to do. I thanked her for all her help and left the store. Outside the store, I shrugged it off. Not everyone reacts to the smile the same way. I continued my smiling game at the next store. I was able to find some more tops I wanted to try on. In the dressing room, I noticed that one of the blouses had make-up all over it anda button was missing. I didn’t even get to try it on. When I went to make my purchases, I brought over the damaged blouse to the cashier and told her that they may not want to put it back out on the racks and I smiled. “Aww” she said, ” I am so sorry about that. Yeah. Sometimes people can get sloppy.” she said and she smiled. I decided on two more blouses at that store and she gave me a discount. “Cool! Thanks!” I said and left happy with my purchases. At the final store, I was actually looking for something specific. A pair of pants I had bought there previously. I found some that were similar but not the ones that I wanted. I have to give the award for excellent customer service to this girl because she went out of her way to try and provide me the pants that I was looking for, even calling a store in Nebula (??), California for them. She asked if I wanted to order them, and even after all that she did for me, I said no but with a smile on my face. She wrote down the sku# and told me to keep it and if I ever change my mind that I could always order it from the store. I agreed that was a good idea and left the store; smiling. As I got into my car and headed home, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I set a goal, albeit it a strange one and completed it; and I got some positive reactions too. There’s always a reason for the way people reacted to me like 1. it’s their job to provide excellent customer service. So maybe from their perspective, today was nothing new. Maybe more importantly was my perspective and how I was reacting to them. This is still all really brand new to me; interacting with people, being social, and not having these crazy/ violent mood swings. But as I drove away, I felt as if someone had given me a shot of saccharine. I overloaded on the ”sweet stuff” of roses and daises and rainbows and kittens. I sucked my cheeks in as I sucked on a cigarette; I guess those muscles haven’t been used that long in awhile. I turned on the radio and  ”Rage Against  the Machine” was playing. Perfect.

“ Somewhere it must be time for penitence/ Gardening at night is never where.” (REM)

This is a change. I’m not depressed today, nor am I writing about it. I realized, most of my postings are depressing. But right now, I’m “rapid cycling” or experiencing mania. One of my reasons for not wanting to take medications was the possibility that I might lose my “manic episodes”. I didn’t want to lose my “highs”. Most people with bipolar disorder would agree; the “highs” are awesome! But the “lows”…. well….

What’s this like? It’s the best thing ever! I have tons and tons of energy! You could pretty much tell me anything and I will laugh. The whole world is hilarious right now! I want to talk to someone. Anyone! Let’s talk! My mind is going a million miles a minute; so is my mouth as you can tell with the use of hyperbole. I keep getting up and bothering people. I got so much done today. I am constantly cleaning, organizing, and re-organizing. I almost ran 5 miles today, non-stop. And I wasn’t even out of breath or tired. I just had to stop because my legs started to get sore. Bartending at the wine bistro today, I had a party of 14 come in right before my shift ended.Normally, I hate waiting on such a large group of people; they’re un-organized, everyone wants to pay separately, they’re demanding and rude. But I went out of my way to provide excellent customer service. And I did! I was very patient with them, even though they had no idea what they were talking about when it came to wine. I catered to their every request with a smile on my face. Even as I was serving them, I realized how I was acting and how they were reacting to me. As I was leaving, the whole party said, “Bye Vivien! Thank you!” It felt really good. I wish I could be like this all the time. I’m fun to be around, I’m witty and entertaining. I am the life of the party. But I know, like all parties, they have to end.

It’s been awhile since I’ve experienced mania like this. There could be a couple of reasons for this; 1. My doctor changed my medication again and it’s triggered a manic episode or 2. The new medications aren’t working. It’s taken every ounce of my will to sit here and complete this posting. I have way too much energy to just sit and concentrate on this…so I won’t.

Of course it doesn’t make any sense; it doesn’t have to.