Happy Birthday!

“2007 is over. I expected 2007 to be a really good year; MY year! That was not the case. In fact it was over before it even began. The details aren’t really important, let’s just say 2007 was a struggle. One of the harder years of my life. But I came out of it and I’ve learned a few things too. More importantly, I learned a few things about myself. Realizing these things and accepting them has taught me that I have no control over anything, so why worry. Things don’t happen for a reason. They just happen. This IS life. I do look forward to 2008 but with a little caution. I don’t expect things anymore. I don’t hope for things anymore. In fact I can already tell you what’s going to happen in 2008, nothing. Politically, it will be a supercharged year. But we won’t know that till near the end of the year. In the meantime, we’ll just keep working, struggling to reach that impossible dream. I do have some plans for 2008. I plan to be more selfish, brutally fucking honest and continue to push people away from my life. This is your warning. Happy New Year.”

I wrote that exactly one year to the day. I think I fared well with my promises. 2008 wasn’t as bad as it started out to be. I’ve been at my job for a year now, hopefully I’ll still have my job by the end of the year (knock wood). I found a good balance of how to handle myself at work and different work situations. There are still things I think I will never be comfortable about work; some issues are within my power to handle but I don’t have the experience to deal with them. And experience just comes with time.

I went into 2008 without any expectations. Well…I would be lying if I said that. I can’t help but have some expectations, even a little bit. BUT I was able to let my guard down and let go of some of them. I guess it worked because the most unexpected things turned out to be some of the greatest in my life. I have a social life now; and I like it. I have a nice network of friends that go past my fingers on one hand. And they’re people I can rely on and trust. This summer turned out to be the best summer I’ve ever had since I was in 7th grade. I have this constant wall around me; some days it’s bigger, other days I can just barely peek over (ok..enough of the analogy). It started a long time ago. I thought it gave me an aura of mystery. The less people know about me, the MORE they’ll want to know me.That’s not true. People don’t want to get to know you if you don’t let them.

Just like 2007, I learned a lot about myself in 2008. When I posted that blog, I was in a bad place; angry and bitter. I felt like I got left behind in life, somehow. I also wasn’t taking any medication at the time. Now…my feelings about taking medication has been strewn all over my blog. I believe in natural things; as opposed to artificial things. It’s important to try and keep your body healthy and free of chemicals; as natural as the day you were born. But what if you were born without some of the important chemicals your body needs in order to keep you healthy and alive? I was. Since I was born without these chemicals, my choices were to replace them or not.  My acceptance of my bipolar disorder finally came to a head in 2008. I tried to go as long as I could without the aid of medication. I couldn’t handle it because I had no control over it. Several medications later, with my medication just being changed again recently, I know this is something I have to live with. It’s a process; a learning and lengthy process. There is no cure. There is no surgery. Its just the way it is.

I also found out I can push my body in positive ways. I started exercising and eating right which lead me to lose 35 pounds. Since then I’ve slacked and gained some weight back. But I’ve done it once, I can do it again. I won’t let that discourage or stop me.

So why the “Happy Birthday” title instead of “Happy New Year”? I was remembering in those “Frosty the Snowman” cartoons/claymations that air on TV during Christmas time, that whenever Frosty put on his hat and came to life, he would always say, “Happy Birthday!” Saying “Happy Birthday!” is like saying you get another chance; a chance to start over. And more than a holiday or an excuse to party and get stupid drunk, that’s what New Year’s means to me; a new beginning; a rebirth.

And what will 2009 bring? Today being the first day of the new year, I actually do not have any expectations for the rest of the year. I’m in a more…let’s call it “controllable” place. I’d like to travel more this year; maybe a move somewhere is in order. Those are my big goals. My little goals are simple; read more, keep my room clean, etc,etc. I do have one goal that I can put into effect right away. I will try not to look past today, enjoy what I can but not live recklessly.

Happy Birthday to me!