Supernatural

“And what will 2009 bring? Today being the first day of the new year, I actually do not have any expectations for the rest of the year. I’m in a more…let’s call it “controllable” place. I’d like to travel more this year; maybe a move somewhere is in order. Those are my big goals. My little goals are simple; read more, keep my room clean, etc,etc. I do have one goal that I can put into effect right away. I will try not to look past today, enjoy what I can but not live recklessly. Happy Birthday to me!”

Happy Birthday indeed…

The years are going by faster and faster, it seems. In any case, it’s over. 2009 is done. And not just a year, another decade is complete. I’m 30 years old now and it’s hard not to look back and reflect. There was a psychiatrist, Dr. Handle I believe his name was, who had a theory that a person decides to make drastic changes in their lives every 10 years. I remember taking that psychology class when I was 21 and the teacher telling us that theory as he guessed the ages of people around the room. I remember one girl in particular who was an accountant because her father was one and wanted her to carry on the family tradition of accountants. She finally decided that she couldn’t take any more numbers; she was 30 then. I thought she was old. Thinking back these past 10 years some things seems so long ago,and other memories feel like they happened only yesterday.

But this post is not about the past 10 years. I’m not in the mood to reminisce that far. Frankly, I’m not in the mood to reminisce at all.  I take that back; the word I’m looking for is not reminisce, it’s contemplate. I’m not in the mood to contemplate. I don’t have time. 2009 wasn’t that great. It didn’t start out really promising so I’m not surprised. My uncle died because of a doctor’s error and I’m left with scars from a rash I got due to an allergic reaction to a medication. Later on in the year, I got laid off, which was no surprise considering the circumstances following up to it. Then I turned 30, which I think I took a lot harder than I realize. Both situations were difficult; one just exacerbated the other. I can’t say 2009 was all bad. I liked working, but I can’t say that I liked my job all that much. It wasn’t too heart breaking when I was let go. It was a very stressful position. It also wasn’t the first time, I had been laid off. Because of that though, I was able to keep one of my 2009 goals and travel. I traveled a lot and am grateful for that opportunity. I also read more, so I guess I kept 2 of my 2009 goals.

With these outside changes happening, it was only certain that I too would change. And I did. I wouldn’t say it was a very positive change, although it does make me feel good…for the moment. I’ve always been a sensitive person, but I’m more so now. I’ve always been aware of my body, but I’m more so now. I’ve always been a selfish person, but I’m more so now. Humans amaze me. I cannot get over our bodies and  our minds; how we work to survive, how we laugh and grieve, how we rage and heal. It’s as if I’m experiencing being human for the first time. It’s not that bad.

So 2010, what will it bring? I don’t care. Any goals to be made? None whatsoever. Unlike a lot of my other posts, which are long and analytical, this particular post is not. Because it’s unnecessary. It’s all about balance. We can’t have it all, right? Understanding this makes me feel like I still have some sort of control. So right now, I am looking forward to completing that degree, working at the wine bistro and singing karaoke with my friends. It is what it is…